She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
