Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
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We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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