He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.