i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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