hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?