Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
