The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
