as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
