His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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