Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
