Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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