Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The uberlube is also flammable
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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