dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
