I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Let's paint friendship bongs
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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