I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
