ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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