she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
