Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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