there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
wanna go halves on a baby?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
