The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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