I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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