I have demons in me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
