Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
