6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
