Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
