so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
