Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
