so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
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I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
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We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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