I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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