I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
