Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
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I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
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Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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