you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
