Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We need to get me chipped asap
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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