I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
