I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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