Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
