If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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