Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My vagina is officially offended.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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