Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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