Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
