ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
