I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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