I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
