Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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