Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
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Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
tell me about the fingering
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