Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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