He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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