omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
