Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
