you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
