what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
