Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Holy sore nipples Batman
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
