I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
