I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
