So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
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