I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
