There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
