Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
