god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
And then the night went full on bisexual.