Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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