oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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