my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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