it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
