When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
porn star boner night. come get it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
